about this piece

This painting is one of the specific reasons why I have these blurbs at the bottoms of as many of the artworks on the website as I can. When I uploaded my description of it the firt time on social media, a lot of people told me that while they already liked the image for what it is, it made them appreciate it MORE knowing the "story" behind it.

This is what I wrote about it on May 8, 2017:

"I have been mentally ill my entire life. The first time I had passive suicidal ideation was when I was 10. I had anxiety and would dissociate to cope. I had a very strange and stressful childhood and I never really, actually knew what mental wellness was like until a few months ago.

I drew/painted this last night after I took anxiety medication. I have had bad anxiety this week, but lorazepam saves my life. However, it does sometimes make me a "Do Not Operate Heavy Machinery" type of dopey, so I usually don't take it until after I've been to work. I was feeling very relaxed, and I was having intense emotional and political conversations on faceb mobile. My eyeballs started to get "soft," and I kept looking "around" my phone but not at it. It created this weird effect, I knew I would get sleepy soon so I decided to draw first and I've been wanting to practice watercolor. I sketched this out, and tried to convey the interesting mood I was in. Loopy, calm, a bit upset, but intimate and wanting to share things. Hazy, but cozy. So I drew my wonky hand holding my phone that my eyes were dancing around. I colored it sloppily to drive home the lack of focus and the pleasure of simply having things in my vision and holding my phone in my hand. But the melancholy of knowing why I felt that way at all."

Funny enough, my prescribing doctor described lorazepam (Ativan) as "non-habit-forming." Come to find out much later that it is in fact, much like other benzo-type drugs, VERY HABIT FORMING, and I went through mild alcohol-like withdrawals upon switching medications. I've dealt with too much substance abuse/addiction in my life one way or another to deal with being hooked on benzos for an acceptable baseline of mental health.